Sarah Suess on Diets

While caught in the midst of my adipose arms,
I found myself victim to growing alarms--
For my feet had gone missing, as well as my toes,
So what was left walking, one just cannot know.
My chest was abreast with my belly and chin,
And where my thighs ended, my buns did begin--
Oh yes, I concluded, I must not rest quiet,
Now was the time to try out a diet.

So first I tried counting (they say it's the thing),
I counted the carbies in EV-ER-Y-THING!
I counted the fat grams in chips and blue cheese
And stayed far away from transfat disease.
I counted rogue calories just with a look
And shucks, if I couldn't, I had a handbook!
If it was a food here on God's green earth
I knew just precisely how much it was worth!

I lost ten and gained twenty on each of these diets,
So help, I concluded, I'd just have to BUY it.
Henceforth I was off the the GNC store,
To consider the supplements, smoothies and more,
And in months that followed, I went with my whims,
I tried diet patches; I tried Dexatrim;
I gambled with Stacker—a carb blocker too--
When you're desperate, there isn't much you won't do.

Then, since I was sampling all I could swallow,
It only made sense, liquid diets should follow.
Did you know with an adequate dose of Green Tea
You could lose umpteen inches and get on TV?
And Slim Fast they say, is the way to lose weight
If you won't gag on flavors that taste like fish bait.
And finally, finally—if you'll just try it--
You can lose half yourself on the lemonade diet!

But if drinking stuff just isn't for you
You can eat cheese and sausage and get skinny too.
Dr. Atkins you see, before he dropped dead,
Promoted ketosis, moving weight loss ahead.
While psyching those fat cells right out of their stores
Cholesterol partied and started some wars
The kidney stones rallied; and cancer cells cheered,
But hey, I lost weight, so it can't be too weird.

Three months later; however, I gained it all back,
I had to admit, I was all out of whack
So I went on vacation to get out of the trench
I flew out of country and tried eating French.
For you see, there's no place quite like Paris to dine,
And they all stay skinny just drinking red wine.
Antioxidants practically flee from the tables!
At least, that's the rumor from localized fables.

From France I flew to South Beach like a goose
Where I balanced protein with liberal cous-cous,
You really should try it now, if you can fly it--
The New South Beach Mediterranian diet.
For here's a great balance of old and of new,
You can even have pasta and bread past Phase 2!
But oh, did I mention, you have to be rich,
To stay stocked in ricotta and omega-3 fish.

So tired was I of the shopping and cooking
I saw Nutri-system and found myself booking.
I pulled out my Mastercard, sealing my fate
But wouldn't it ROCK; they'd FED-EX me my plate!
That chick on the TV said she was size two,
So surely this gig would be my answer too
But after 12 weeks (and my free week. Whoopee),
I wasn't a two, nor was likely to be.

Oh forget all these diets, and programs, and gimmicks,
I'll go to Gold's gym and I'll run and I'll kick
And I'll sit-up and push-up and jump-up and knee-up
And eat a good dinner and responsibly throw-up.
On alternate weeks, there's bananas and rice,
I've heard special K and grapefruits are nice,
And it may seem extreme, but I've thought about marrying
My trainer, who's also a strict vegetarian.

So I've gone to extremes! Oh what can I say?
Hear me when I tell you, it's just not the way.
I can say with relief, inner me is now out
But a diet's just not what the journey's about.
Learn from moderation; stay active; stay whole;
Don't eat but the portion that's there in your bowl.
For health is a lifestyle, a way you must be,
Where health is a choice—a choice made by ME.