So whatever happened to the Wicked Witch Hormonees, you might ask? Well, as my comrades and I discovered upon our ill-fated visit to the Wizard, her evil clutches were far reaching. Not only did she cast her spell over all of our efforts--whatever they might happen to be at the moment--apparently, she also affected sales in GNC city; because no matter how well a product seemed to work, when Hormonees got involved, there was always a set back. The day we went to see the Wizard, he'd gone and had himself a meltdown. He wasn't helping anyone else until somebody did something about that Witch.
My friends and I were at a loss. We could either join the somewhat rabid group that was forming outside the Wizard's residence with knives and pitchforks, or we could set out to get the job done. Unfortunately, the way to the witch was treacherous, lined with miles and miles of nothing but vegetables and vegetarian proteins. The witch knew how to deter travelers, that was for sure, because when she hit them with her Hormonees Enchantment, there was nothing remotely sweet or fatty around to consume. Consequently, by the time her minions, the Flying Funkies, arrived to lift the travelers to great heights and drop them here and there to their deaths, they were already caught up in hallucinations of despair.
Two weeks into our bold journey, we found ourselves in exactly this desperate plight. The flying funkies dropped all of us exactly back were we had started--Bootyca back under her fence, Rotunda back in the forest of Far-Flung Dessert, Bambi (as we had come to call her since she still couldn't remember her name) back in the Dark Forest, and me right back in the Treadmill Field. The Munchies were very surprised to see me, and quite frankly, I was embarrassed to see them again after all this time.
But the only thing in life to really be embarrassed about is making the same mistake twice (or three, or four, or five times). I stayed one night with the Munchies, and not having any idea where my three friends had landed, I made the best choice I could. The next day, I started out down the Slow Blue Road. Over the months that followed, I traveled through Moolinda's well-endowed kingdom and then on to meet her sister, the Good Witch of the Feast, one kingdom over. As I traveled I wrote down my meals, my activities, and my experiences. I set a goal and moved toward the Skinny City one day at a time.
Much to my happiness, I found Bootyca and Rotunda at a crossroads between the two kingdoms. Both of them were much changed, having also decided to travel the Slow Blue Road. We were sad though, for Bambi, as we traveled along, wondering what had become of her. Then one day, we saw a traveler far ahead, standing on a Mountain top, and waving madly. "My name is Barbara!" she yelled at us. "I love pantsuits, and stilletos, and roller skating, and I look GREAT in RED!" Sure enough, Barbara was our long-lost companion Bambi, and her stories of survival and victory filled many miles of our journey.
It won't be long now, until we come over a hilltop and see our destination. The Wicked Witch Hormonees still flies by about once a month to see what's going on with us, but we throw a lot of water at her, because she hates hydration, and she flies away defeated yet again. So. Skip the Wizard. Skip the Yellow Brick Road. The long way is the best thing you could do for yourself. Set your goal, and set out for the Skinny City. There's no place like goal. There's no place like goal.
The end. Exit beloved characters. Play emotionally charged music. Roll credits.
Seriously though. There is no place like goal. That's what my Weight Watchers coach said this morning at my meeting, which I found very ironic since she had NO IDEA I had been at home all weekend writing a cockamamie metaphor for the weight loss journey, based on the Wizard of Oz and brought on by a hunger induced dream.
But I made it through the journey of the week, and much to my surprise, I did way more than maintain. I lost 2.4 pounds, totaling 11.4 pounds, and meeting my 5% weight loss goal of 10 pounds. I was ecstatic, and suddenly ready to do it all over again next week. We also talked about "anchors" today--the things you come back to that anchor you to your personal commitments when things really get hard. One of my big anchors is this blog, so I have to thank you all now for your part in my success. Thanks for coming along. Thanks for keeping me company!