Sunday, January 31, 2010

Off to See the Wizard, Part II

For those of you who need to be brought abreast of my odd dream's beginnings, a freak southern blizzard had swept me off my Wii Balance Board and into a magical land full of exercise equipment. Yada. Yada. Then, my hefty self landed in the middle of a treadmill field right on top of the Wicked Nutrisystem Witch, who was busy harvesting chubby Munchie sweat. Having ended the info-mercial career of the notorious Nutri-Witch and having nabbed her ruby sneakers, I then proceeded to ask the Munchies how I could go about getting skinny again.

One of the Munchie leaders stepped forward, a jiggly little fellow named Cheeto, and informed me that sadly, I would never get skinny if I stayed in their country, because everyone in Munchie Land ever was subject to the Nutri-Witch's curse, which involved emotionally induced eating that resulted from overmuch time spent in the treadmill fields. Who could direct me? I inquired, and at that moment the Good Witch Moolinda descended from the sky. I couldn't help but think how much she resembled Pippi Longstocking as she explained to me that she--along with her sister, the Good Witch of the Feast--ruled over the kingdoms responsible for all the skim dairy, whole grains, fruits, and vegetables.

Moolinda said she could direct me toward my success if I would but travel over the Slow Brick Road, which involved a long but steady journey toward the Skinny City. Those that persisted on their journey, she said, were few in number, but often chose to stay a lifetime. Moolinda acted disappointed when I told her I was really looking for something much less time-consuming, and grueling, and involved. In that case, she said, she would have to send me to the Wizard, a renowned weight-loss coach in the City of GNC. I would find my way down the Yellow Brick Road. Perhaps he would be able to help me on my way.

I thanked Moolinda for her advice and the Munchies for the basket of goodies they had prepared for my journey; and then I began my trek down the Yellow Brick Road. Not far down the path, next to a field of rowing machines, I met a woman of the Scarecrow variety, stuck hopelessly beneath a fence by her hinderparts. She introduced herself as Bootyca, and then recounted how the Nutri-Witch had stuffed her so, and then laughed as she tried to escape under the fence. Well, now I have the Witch's ruby sneakers, I told her, so you will never be intimidated by her tiny be-hinny again; and while I helped Bootyca more evenly distribute the straw between her hind-side and her thighs, I told her that I was going to see the Wizard in the City of GNC. Maybe he could help her too.

So we set off together, and very soon we were passing through a delectable forest where all the trees cruelly threw desserts at us, and it was all we could do not to give into temptation. It was there in the woods that we found our next companion--the Tin Gymnast--lodged by her large waist between two trees. Her name was Rotunda, and while Bootyca and I used some smashed Black Forest Cake to help her slip from her tight spot, she explained that she had made a good effort in her journey toward the Skinny City, but she had been sidetracked in this terrible forest. Now, though she had wondrous biceps and great flexibility, she was in danger of not being able to pass between the trees. At this point in the story, Rotunda burst into tears, and began cramming deserts into her mouth as fast as the tears fell.

Bootyca and I wrestled the remaining deserts from Rotunda's strong hands and convinced her to join us on our journey to see the wizard. Toward nightfall, the path got darker and darker, but the three of us proceeded into the darkness with our hearts beating madly along with our quickening steps: "Failure and fatness and fear, oh my! Failure and fatness and fear, oh my! When suddenly our pathway was blocked by a fearsome creature who refused to let us pass. She growled and grimaced and groaned, and when she did the latter, we realized her predicament. It was not that she WOULD not let us pass, but she COULD not. She had been paralyzed on her journey but the very mantras we had be carrying with us in our own hearts. She had tried it all, and she was afraid to see herself in the light and afraid to try again. She couldn't tell us her name, because she had forgotten it when she lost her identity many pounds ago.

We spent many days in the forest with her, convincing her to try again, and to travel with us to see the Wizard. Perhaps he could help her find herself again. At last, with my three new found friends, I emerged from the dark forest, and there, shining in all of it's neon lights was the City of GNC. Without considering the danger, all of us began to run through a delicious field of what looks like grain--every stalk hung with just what hungry travelers think they want: french fries, pasta, pancakes, potato chips. Alas, we'd missed the sign that said: Beware, Carbohydrate Crossing, and before we new it, my nameless friend and I had eaten ourselves into a carb-induced coma.

When we woke up on the side of the yellow brick road, Bootyca and Rotunda told us we surely would have been lost forever if Moolinda hadn't floated in to give us a hand. Now we were only a short walk from the gates of the City of GNC. Upon approaching the gates, we noticed some strange fine print beneath the emblazoned letters. It almost looked like the tiny writing said "City of the Great Next Crock." But we were to eager to pay much attention to fine print, and soon we were surrounded by the excitement of the city. Every part of the city seemed dedicated to some new fad. Venders sold Acai Berry, various Colon Cleansers, books about somebody named Atkins, and a cookbook from somewhere called South Beach. Further on, you could buy protein bars, low calorie shakes, muscle milk, fat absorbing pills, carb absorbing supplements, caffeine laden energy drinks. But it seemed no one could tell you which to choose until you saw the Wizard.

Sadly, appointments were expensive and booked into nearly the next decade, so my friends and I remained, citizens of the City of GNC, waiting for our turn and trying a little bit of everything in the mean time. Though I didn't say it, I did have the thought that I probably could have traveled the long way and made it to the Skinny City by now. That's about when we were called to see the Wizard.

Don't miss Part III of "Off to See the Wizard" to be posted tomorrow!

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